


Sunscreen and Sunsets

by AlexisANDJessica



Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Anxiety, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Funeral, SuperCorp, beach house au, except its meltie, meltie endgame
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-06-22 14:24:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15583884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexisANDJessica/pseuds/AlexisANDJessica
Summary: When the cast of Supergirl goes to a beach house for some fun, they didn't expect the overwhelming tension and budding romance between a certain two actresses...





	1. The Invite

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! this is our (Alexis and Jessica) first fic so we hope you enjoy it! We haven't planned it all out so if you have any ideas for future shenanigans you want to see our favorite cast get into, leave a comment!

The air was warm and the sky was a beautiful shade of blue, like that one waffle people tell kids to google as a funny yet traumatizing joke.

 

Katie was sitting in her favorite furniture when she remembered the envelope she got in the mail that same morning. She found it, ripped it open, and found a letter inside. She quietly thanked her mom for teaching her how to read. 

 

_ “YOU ARE INVITED!”  _ an obnoxious Arial 23 yelled obnoxiously.

_ “TO chris wood’s FUNERAL weekend” _

“ _ LOCATION: _

_ Beach House Drive 1, California _

_ DATE: _

_ tomorrow” _

 

“oh no that’s tomorrow”  Katie thought. “i have to go shopping.”

 

\-----

 

katie was shopping at target and tried to find a gift for the party. she didnt know what would be appropriate so she got a super sized candy bar and also a lawn mower. the candy was for her crippling anxiety. she threw some benjamin franklins at the cashier and left the building in style

 

at last, she was home. she announced her arrival by opening the fridge. katie wondered who else got invited so she asked the supergirl group chat who else got invited. no one answered.

 

\-----

 

it was the first day of the funeral weekend and katie finally finished packing all seven of her bags. she called a cab and headed to the airport.

 

“thanks for the trouble darling” katie said.

“i don’t speak that language” the cab driver replied as he drove away.

 

katie was looking for the right gate when she saw a woman with a big hat dropping her big hat.

 

“excuse me miss y-” she stopped mid sentence because the hatless woman just turned around and katie suddenly regretted not brushing her teeth that morning.

 

“oh….katie”

it was her co-star melissa benoist from glee.

“uhm hi you dropped your hat”

“yes that happens a lot, thanks” melissa deadpanned.

she didn’t pick up the hat and walked away.

 

katie didn’t know where to go so she just followed the blonde to wherever she was going. it happened to be to the bathroom. katie decided to leave at least one stall between hers and melissa’s so she could pee in peace. she didn’t really need to pee herself so she just stood there and listened to melissa’s devious drizzles. but she didn’t hear a single droplet. she wondered why but before she could think of a reason, she heard her co-star’s stall open and before she knew it her footsteps had left the room.  _ she didn’t wash her hands _ , katie thought.  _ noted _ .

 

\-----

 

Katie shimmies her way onto the plane, heading straight for her first class seat in aisle 3. She glances at her hand with the letter R written on it, and looked to her right. Perfect! Her seat! Except melissa was sitting in the seat left next to it, and had put all her carry-on into katie’s seat. Katie looks up to melissa to ask her to move her stuff, and notices she’s eating cheetos. “Hey katie why are you standing there” melissa asks while sucking the cheeto dust off her pee hands. Katie wishes that was her.

“Well actually you’re things are-”

“Well actually i don’t care lena luthwhore”

“M-melissa my name is katie” katie stuttered

“I wish u could listen to yourself talk and hear how little sense you make ever. Bye”

 

Embarrassed, katie didn’t know how to respond, so she left her seat and went to go search for another. Picking up a toddler and placing him in the aisle, katie took his seat near the back of the plane. 

 

She sat down, took her bag off her back, moved Floriana out of the way, stowed her bag under the seat in front of her, and buckled up.  _ I wish i could’ve sat next to marley from glee,  _ katie thought. Katie decided not to dwell on it and put in her headphones to listen to G6 by Far East Movement for the next few hours (A/N THIS SONG IS SO GOOD i highly recommend it! Comment if you want a playlist of my favorite songs :)).

 

“Excuse me ma’am I’ll have to ask you to take out your earbuds for the safety demonstration” the flight attendant said.

“Who the fuck are you” katie said, pretending not to notice the flight attendant uniform to assert her dominance.

“I’m Triscia7, and I will be your flight attendant this flight. Please take out your earbuds katie mcgrath with a  **_th_ ** at the end like in ‘the’”

 

Katie did that.

After the safety demonstration, the flight flew. Katie was relaxing, when all the sudden turbulence struck. She was jostled about, her limbs flying everywhere. Her hand smacked something solid, and she briefly remembered the toddler she left in the aisle. Then she forgot.

 

“This is Triscia7, your pilot speaking. Please don;t mind the turbulence. Once it’s done we will bring you some drinks.” said the pilot

 

_ I need some drinks. A LOT of drinks. I’m irish,  _ Katie thought. 

 

The turbulence ended soon enough, and the drink cart came around. Katie ordered some irish tea mixed with vodka, and Triscia7 handed it over to her. After the first sip, katie decided to sleep, so she leaned down and handed the rest of the drink to Floriana who was now under her seat.

 

\-----

 

“Get up shamoo” melissa said to katie as the flight landed. The flight landed minutes ago and katie was still asleep, and they needed to make it to the beach house soon.

 

“Oh i get it you called me shamoo because we’re going to the ocean. Okay sebastian :)” katie replied. She was glad she and melissa were finally close enough for nicknames. 

 

Katie waddled and melissa strutted off the flight, searching for baggage claim. Katie picked up melissa’s bag to be kind and immediately fell over.

 

“Geez, melissa, what’s in your bag?” katie inquired

“My seven PHDs” melissa said, yanking her bag from katie.

 

After katie grabbed all seven of her bags and somehow got them to the taxi, they rode off in separate taxis to the beach house. Katie couldn’t help but miss Melissa’s sweaty scent as she rode off in the taxi to the beach house. She felt a hankering for cheetos.

 

On the way to the beach house, she had the taxi stop at a florist so she could get some flowers for melissa and chris’s grieving family.

 

\-----

 

“Katie what took you so long” melissa demanded once katie got to the beach house.

“I stopped to buy you some zygomorphic Streptocarpus flowers. Aren’t they pretty?” katie said and asked.

Melissa just stared at her and walked off, still staring. She had beautiful brown eyes. Katie was colorblind.

 

Walking into the beach house finally, katie reluctantly noticed chyler, jeremy, chris’s dead body propped up to greet everyone, david, and odette. Nobody was looking at her so katie went to open the fridge. “Oh katie there you are” they all said. Melissa sneezed. 

 

“Which room is mine” asked katie. She secretly prayed in hebrew that she would get to share with melissa. 

 

“You’;re rooming with me” chyler said.

“No thank you. Melissa i call the-” katie looked at her hand labeled L- “left side of the bed”.

“        “ melissa said as she dragged hers and katie’s seven suitcases upstairs to their room.

 

\-----

Katie left the kitchen when she was tired of sniffing dead chris wood fumes. She went upstairs to take a shower.

 

The shower was running, and she heard singing coming from the bathroom.  _ I hope nobody is in there,  _ katie thought as she walked in. “AHHHHH” her and melissa scream as katie walks in the bathroom and yanks open the shower curtain to see melissa showering.

 

“Why are you wearing jeans” katie asked

“Why are YOU wearing jeans” melissa asked. 

Katie was stumped. She peed in the bathroom before leaving to wait for her turn in the shower. 

 

Katie nibbled on some chocolate to calm her nerves while waiting for the shower. Melissa walked out in a towel 2 hours later, still smelling like sweat. Katie rushed for the shower.

 

When katie returned from her shower, melissa was speaking Mandarin with someone on her rose gold iPhone X. 

 

“ לא, המשוואה לא עובדת” melissa said. “בדקתי את זה כמה פעמים”

“Hi melissa” katie said, feeling excluded. She really needed more candy.

“האידיוט חוזר, נדבר מאוחר יותר" melissa says before hanging up

 

“Who were you talking to” katie asked

“My PR boyfriend is dead could you please shut up” said melissa. Katie felt her bellybutton protest but she kept quiet and tucked herself in.

“Goodnight” katie said

“Get your hand off my thigh” melissa countered. 

 

\-----

 

it was 3am. katie had just woken up from a nightmare about evil paper mache marionettes and needed something to drink, so she went downstairs. That’s where she found Chyler stroking a cat.

 

“can’t sleep either i see” katie yelled

“i thought you were colorblind” chyler screeched back.

she had a point.

 

katie walked to the fridge but stopped herself from opening it. she wouldn’t want to wake anyone up. so she just poured herself a glass of water and drank half, filled it again, and put the full glass back in the cupboard. time for bed.

 

she returned to her room and saw melissa benoist. she looked so cute sleeping with one of her eyes open, katie thought. she wondered why melissa hated her so much but that’s a spoiler for a different chapter. 

 

katie still couldn’t sleep so she opened bag 3 of 7 and grabbed some pills. while she was waiting for the tic tacs to kick in she thought about the funeral and what kind of shoes she should wear. but she dozed off before she could even pick a color...

 


	2. The Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our favorite cast goes to the beach!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys this chapter is really action packed! we also decided to get creative and mess around with our writing style for a bit. we hope you like it :)

the smell of burnt toast greeted melissa’s nostrils. she opened her one eye, looked around the guest room and burped. she always hated this place. chris wood, her pr boyfriend, had invited her to his beach house multiple times for expired fondue and also chess. she couldn’t say no because it was in her contract (which she tried to eat before realizing the government probably made copies). thank god she’s the reigning chess champion in korea, it could’ve been worse.

the carole king’s that’s what makes you beautiful actress walked downstairs and greeted her castmates. she noticed katie wasn’t sitting with them.

“has anyone seen katie mcgrath” she didn’t put a question mark at the end of her sentence.

odette shook her heads “no, i think she’s still upstairs because there are no candy bar wrappers on this floor”

melissa pretended not to care and looked at chyker.

“is that a cat?” she asked, pointing at a big pile of hair in front of the straight woman.

“no i just shaved” she giggled ferociously.

melissa punched her in the face and stole her toast.

david was there, he clapped.

 

\-----

 

the D list celebrities decided to go to the beach for some pre-funeral fun. melissa already changed into her glow in the dark swimsuit so she explored the house for a bit. she wanted to go to the basement because she was pretty sure that’s where she left one of her many big hats the last time she was here. but no one was allowed to go down there after chris’ accident...

she found katie in the laundry room ironing her shoes.

“fat” melissa said in a depressed voice.

her co-star turned around and blushed.  
“hey melissa, why are you wearing a bikini?”

“why do you think motherfucker?”

katie gasped and took a shot of vodka.

“anyway we’re going to the beach, so don’t be an introvert and join us.”

melissa scratched her ass and left.  
“thanks, that was really itchy” katie whispered to herself.

 

\-----

 

After coating herself in 9 layers of sunblock - one for each layer of hell to protect herself against because she’s catholic - katie peruses down to the beach. She was wearing a three-piece swimsuit: bikini top, bikini bottom, and a part that wrapped around her stomach which was skin colored and had abs drawn on. She felt hot and confident.

She spotted melissa and immediately started walking over. However, chyler ran into her. Ouch she thought. “Ouch” she said. “Chyler why did you do that”

“Have you seen my cat?” chyler asked

“Is that floriana over there under the chair eating it?” katie grunted  
“OH NO! She’s too powerful to stop on my own, i need to get a lifeguard” chyler whispered. She did that.

Katie continued her trek over to melissa. Because she’s colorblind she couldn’t see the people lounging on the beach on her way over to melissa, and subsequently stepped on some of them. There were 4 casualties and 6 more transported to the hospital in critical condition.

“Hi melissa <3” katie said when she walked over.

“I’m david” said david.

“Oh.” said katie. She turned to the other person. “Hi melissa”

“Im going into the water to pee… if i can. Bye” melissa bellowed.

Katie decided to stay on the shore and watch. She made a sand sculpture of Ferb while she waited. It looked like shit.

 

\----

 

(A/N: we’re going to try out second person from melissa’s point of view now! We’ll switch back soon, we just want to practice our writing a bit)

Once you reached the cold water, the reality of what you just did hit you. You walked away from katie to go pee in the ocean. Sounds about right. 

You wade up to your belly button, and start the process of attempting to pee. Once again, just like in the past few months, nothing happens. You’re too embarrassed to tell anyone that your muscles aren’t actually muscles, but pee having to store itself around the body. 

Dejected, you start to walk back out of the ocean. As you’re walking out, you feel something sting your big toe on your right foot. You yelp, and cry for help. The lifeguard comes running towards you, with chyler close behind.

“Blake?!??!?” you wonder aloud. The lifeguard looks exactly like your ex-husband, blake. 

“Hi melissa it’s me blake what’s up” says the lifeguard, your ex-husband blake.

“Blake!” you yell. 

He reaches out to help you to shore, but you spit at him. Katie then runs over to carry you to shore, and in a rare display of kindness, you don’t spit on her. This time.

Katie drops you on the shore. She appears to have started her period. 

“Melissa what happened” katie asked. 

“I think a stingray stung me. I need you to get the venom out before i die” you say. You may have 7 PHDs, but one of them wasn’t on marine biology.

“How do i do that” kate from dates asks.

“I think you have to suck it out, like snake venom” you say.

Katie asks no questions. She just goes for it. You feel her mouth enclose around your toe, and can’t decide if this was a mistake or not, just like your parents have told you many times that you were. All you know is, you kinda of don’t want this to stop. Curious. 

“I don’t think it’s working” katie says with your A- blood around her face. 

“Maybe it’s like jellyfish poison” you suggest “you have to pee on it”

“Why do i have to pee on it” katie says with barely concealed Glee (Ex. Producer Ryan Murphy)

“I-i-i… you know what? shut up dyke and just pee on my Goddamned foot or i’ll curbstomp you” you squeal. 

There are no time for games unless that game was Frogger, your favorite ever since you were a child.

Katie shimmies out of her bikini bottoms, pulling them all the way off and tossing them into the ocean for some reason, and squats over your toe. She maintains eye contact as she pees. Her hot, warm, toasty pee splashes onto your toe. You’re so jealous at the amount of pee that she excretes. It flows out like the ocean, or like all the times chyler complains about her husband. Chyler always wishes she could be with someone else - another man not a woman. 

Katie finishes peeing and uses your sand-covered knee as toilet paper. The sting doesn’t feel better. If anything it’s worse because of the high concentration of salt in katie’s pee. You thank her anyways. 

“It was no peeblem - I MEAN problem.” she says, and leans down to kiss your toe better. 

She walks back towards the house, bare ass still hanging out, Purity tattoo stark against her glowing pale-ass skin in the blaring sun.

You start to cry.

 

\----

 

(A/N ok back to katie’s perspective! Let us know in the comments how you liked the second person)

Katie walks back into the house, panting both from the exertion of walking back up from the beach and from the incredible experience she just had. She goes up to her and melissa’s room to take a nap. Walking up the stairs, she squirms past blake and chyler, who are on the 3rd stair. 

“Hey guys whats up”

“NOTHING” chyler screeches, pushing katie off the three stairs.

Katie stabs her in retaliation, then continues to walk upstairs. 

She crawls into bed. “Goodnight floriana” she says, looking under the bed. She falls into a deep sleep for 4 minutes, then wakes up to drink some milk. 

In order not to make singing boy jeremy, who was too afraid of the sand to go to the beach, aware of her presence in the house, she takes her secret stash of milk out of the cupboard rather than from the fridge. “Hello floriana” she says again, grabs her milk, then closes the cabinet. Drinking her milk, she ponders how close she feels to melissa now after that whole incident. 

Melissa walks in, and metaphorically shits her bikini when she sees who’s standing in the kitchen. Her hair feels nervous. 

“Katie, we need to talk” melissa says.

“Gulp” katie says.

“If you didn;t just help me a few minutes ago, i would bitchslap you for being so weird. Meet me upstairs in a few minutes freak” melissa grumbles. 

Katie can’t wait. 

 

\-----

 

katie waited in her room until it was dark outside, but melissa never showed up. she was worried so she grabbed the magic 8 ball that she stashed in bag number 6 and asked it a question.

“will melissa and i get married?” she turned it over.

“concentrate and ask again.” the screen said.

katie licked the ball.  
“will melissa and i get married?” she repeated.

“you may rely on it”.

she was crying and wanted to text her family about the good news, but then she remembered she doesn’t own a phone.

 

\-----

 

another hour went by. katie grabbed one of her many phones and opened up a gps tracker so she could find out where her melissa was.

turns out she returned to the crime scene, the beach. so katie put on her shoes and then her socks and headed over to melissa.

“that took you forever vampire” melissa said.

“i thought you said to meet you upstairs but you weren’t there so i tracked your phone”

melissa wiggled her toe.  
“if you looked out the window you would’ve seen me in my glow in the dark bikini waving at you.”

“i don’t know how to do that” katie responded.

they walked in a comfortable silence, with melissa still limping because of the attack. katie wanted to comment on how beautiful the moon looked tonight but she doesn’t believe in the moon, so she didn’t.

“are you okay?” she asked instead.

“my pr boyfriend died. i lost my big hat, thanks to you. i didn’t win the nobel prize. i got stung by some kind of fish and made someone pee on me. and then my ex pr husband blake from glee showed up. i’m doing great slimey.” she sneered.

“i detect a hint of sharkasm” katie laughed.

then, melissa looked at her. as if she was looking at her for the first time.

“katie i-” she stopped herself. she was either blushing or her cheeks were dirty. katie hoped it was the latter.

“what is it? you can tell me” 

melissa sat down. katie didn’t join her so she stood back up again.

“i can’t pee” she whispered loudly.

“ever since chris grew his facial hair my urethra hasn’t been the same. i can’t empty my bladder the same way you do katie, and i’m terrified.”

katie was silent. not because she didn’t know how to respond but because she was trying not to sneeze.

“is that why you gained weight? because there’s all this unused pee inside of you?” she finally asked.

“not exactly” melissa growled. “i found a loophole.” she took a step forward.

“sniff me” she said seductively.

*katie sniffed*  
“sweat….you sweat out your pee? it all makes sense now.” she said. melissa nodded twice.

(A/N: re-read chapter 1 if you missed sweaty melissa!!!)

katie removed her hooves and got into the water.  
“what are you doing thundercunt? melissa asked.

“well-” she took a sip of the ocean water. “i’m going to get stung and then you don’t have to be embarrassed anymore.”

melissa joined her in the water.  
“what no that’s crazy you don’t have to do that, i can just give you the link to my paypal.”   
katie laughed and splashed water on the benoist. 

they were both laughing now, completely unaware that someone was taking pictures of them. but then katie stopped.

(A/N: the picture part is important for the next chapter xoxo)

“wait...i think i feel something touching my feet”

“oh that’s probably just floriana” melissa reassured her.

she was right.

 

\-----

 

they returned to the beach house. katie felt there was something in the air tonight, because the stars looked bright, fernando. she and melissa really bonded today and it made her giddy. she was about to ask melissa if she wanted to play hide and seek with her but then odette approached them.

“is this yours?” she asked, shoving a pink bra in katie’s face. “i found it in the hallway.”

“i’ve been wearing the same bra since last january, try again sweetheart.”

odette didn’t know how to respond to that and naruto ran away.

finally, katie thought. they were alone

but they weren’t alone.

because someone was standing outside of the beach house, taking pictures of them through the window...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :D we decided to make a tumblr account so people can send us asks! follow us @alexisandjessica !!!! and if you want to send us fan art we would really appreciate it! xoxo we love you guys please kudos and comment!


	3. new beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's true what they say, love finds a way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii jessica here!!! we're back with another update!! sorry it took us this long we went on a fun little holiday cruise and i thought we would have time to write but then alexis decided to get kidnapped by bob so i got mad at her and we got into a huge fight because apparently i don't "care about the sea turtles as much as she does", whatever that means. 
> 
> anyway we hope you enjoy this chapter! there's lots of exciting stuff coming up and we can't wait for you peanuts to see it :D

it was the day of the funeral and katie decided to go for a morning run. not because she wanted to get rid of her collection of fat, but because jeremy was singing show tunes in his room. she did not want to hear him sing after what happened at sdcc17.

(A/N: melissa said girlfriend first)

she barely made it out the front door because running reminded her of her childhood when she ran away from home and also bullies. the thought gave her an anxiety attack. she fainted twice.

\-----

when she woke up she was in a hospital bed. a vague silhouette of a short haired straight woman was hovering over her. 

“how many fingers am i holding up?” the woman with a husband and kids asked.

“seven.” katie said. she felt a rush of pride because she read Counting For Dummies a few months ago. it was a present from her mom.

“it’s three but whatever. there’s someone here to see you ;) “ she walked away.

katie waited but no one came to visit. this is just like her high school graduation and also her birth.

she decided to call melissa.

“ “ the voice on the other line said.

“oh hey melissa! you’re here too? small world” katie said.

“you dialed my private number”

“anyways, i’m in the hospital. can you come pick me up thanks” she hung up after belching softly into her phone

\---------------

katie saw melissa arrive in a helicopter wearing a sunflower dress. melissa on the other hand was wearing a leather catsuit.

she entered her room with a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

“oh are those for me?” katie asked

melissa threw them out the window, answering her question.

“thank you so much that's really sweet <3”

they tried to walk out of the hospital but then a bunch of ugly adult men with cameras started screaming their names.

“melissa beebnoost over here!” one yelled

glee turned into the hulk and killed him. the other men backed away.

they ran to the heli and blasted off.

“what was that all ab-” katie tried to ask.

“what?” melissa cried

“what?” katie cried back

“you didn't finish your sentence” melissa removed her socks.

“oh sorry i fell asleep. anyway what was that all about?” katie put melissa’s socks on

“i dont know” melissa’s phone beeped. 

after 32 seconds she screamed and put the phone in her mouth.

“omg melissa what is up with you’” caty asked

“look at the supergirl cast group chat” she mumbled back

“you guys kicked me after i asked who else was going to chris’s party, remember?”

“oh right” melissa removed the phone from her ass and gave it to katie. 

it was an article:

\-----

“Melissa Benoist from Homeland and some D-List actress are dykes!” 

“Katie why’d you say that it’s not the headline nor is it written anywhere i should guillotine you for that” melissa pondered

“I’m colorblind but i’ll let it slide because i lov- tolerate you my love. Anyways, please read the article out loud to me. My mom never taught me how to read” Katie reveals

Melissa wondered why katie called herself D-list. It was a bit generous. She’ll correct her on that later. 

“Ok. clears throat. Melissa benoist and katie mcgrath were spotted hanging out together” melissa brailled. That was a bit of a stretch. Katei sweat.

“Go on …” the chubby one said.

“That’s all it says. There’s attached pictures” melissa turned her PC around to show katie the pictures. Katie licked the screen.

“Oh no these are worse than i thought” katie

On the tablet were pictures of kaite pissing on Melissa’s toe, them eating sand after dark together, them trading socks, and them reading this article. Katie gasped

“Stop that” melissa cupped her hands around her lips and whispered, 8 feet 7 cm away from katie. 

“Stop what” katie declared

“Breathing . i do not like queer air. The Q and A at the end of LGBTQA is for Qlean Air, implied free of queers. “ melissa recited. Katie blushed. She loved an intellectual mmm brain

“What are we going to do about these pictures” katie asked. She knew melissa would have the answer.

“I don’t fucking know u fucknugget. Why dont you try and contribute some ideas other than convertible hamster balls” melissa wailed

“That was a good idea. I think we should pretend date” katie asked

“Upside down question mark Qué ? why? For what purpose? I thought we did not want they/them to think we’re dating because we’re not” melissa said

“It’s good publicity for us and will bring attention to our show the Avengers” katie said.   
She had a point. A dull one

“Ok i guess. But we need to set boundaries. Do NOT yawn in my direction. “ melissa belched out. Katie sniffed.

“I will not. Here’s my rule. Everytime u call me fat, you have to sitck your finger in my bellybutton.” katie says.

“That’s not a fair rule fatty-” melissa says.

“Uh uh uh! Bellybutton.”

Five minutes later they were walking hand in crack down the wherever the setting was. 

“Get your hand out of my asscrack” david says. 

Five minutes later melissa and katie were walking back to the house.

Melissa got the stash out from under the floorboard. “Hi floriana” she said, closing the floorboard. She poured katie a bowl of lucky charms. Bitch.

They ate in silence while they shared a conversation about how this fake relationship would work out (like katie needed to). Melissa passed katie the ketchup. 

“Melissa” melissa said.

“Yes” melissa said.

Katie felt left out. She went outside to ponder what this fake relationship meant for her feelings towards the natural brunette who used to have bangs. 

\---

it was night time because it was dark outside. katie wasn’t actually allowed to go out after 5:45pm because of this deal she made with the tooth fairy, but this trip made her want to rebel.

she saw a shooting star in the shape of a rose gold iphone 4 and made a wish.

“i wish to find love and happiness” she said as she continued to mow the lawn.

“that can be arranged” blake jenner who was absent in this chapter yelled back. then he left.

“sweet potatoes” katie katied

she went back inside.  
\----

everyone was eating sandwiches and it made katie jealous. her mom forgot to pack her lunch today and she was starving. luckily floriana appeared from under the dining table and gave her a lollipop. it was deep fried.

when she took the first lick everyone suddenly noticed she was there and they stared at her.

jeremy announced he had to sneeze and everyone stood up and went to the backyard.

melissa was the only who stayed.

“mother fuckering morgana while u were outside in broad daylight thinking a trauma helicopter was a shooting star, i told everyone about our romantic date on the beach.”

“allegedly” katie swallowed the rest of the lollupop.

“don’t give me that tone meryl streep’s mamma mia here we go again screen time! chyler the bitch asked me if we are each others dates to the funeral that’s happening in 5 minutes.”

“what did you tell her winky face?” katie googled plus sized wedding ring stores nearby.

“i obviously had to say yes to the dress, so get ready and meet me in the house keeper’s supply closet.”

katie rolled upstairs and opened bag 1 of 7. her secret stash of tea bags was still there, good.

then she grabbed her favorite funeral dress that she hasn’t worn since she ran over jeremy’s bunny three weeks ago. her name was gabriella.

she looked in the mirror and told herself she was a sexy beast. katie wasn’t convinced. 

she went back downstairs and that’s where she saw...her.

melissa somehow changed into a beautiful golden ball gown, much like the one autotune watson wore in dreamwork’s beauty and the beast.

“are you ready?” melissa’s alexis asked her

katie removed the drool from her cheeks

"i think i am".


	4. The Funeral. Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's not rare to go to a funeral
> 
> but it is rare to find live, laugh and love!
> 
> meltie is closer than ever but will they finally act on their feelings for each other? find out in this chapter or the next

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update but that's a lie we're not sorry at all. give us at least 100 kudos for more regular updates please. enjoy the chapter?

Katie wondered if now was an appropriate time to give chris the lawn mower she bought him earlier, or if she should wait until after dessert.. 

she removed the wrapping paper which was easy cause there wasnt any. she turned the machine on and left it in the middle of the backyard where no incidents could ever happen.

Suddenly her flat ass was wet. she turned around and saw that odette was crying 

“oh honey what’s wrong?” she asked

“i’m not winnie the pooh” she shat before she continued.

“my straight friend chyler promised to share her funeral quesadilla with Me, but i just saw her lady and the tramping it with blake jenner the lifeguard. i don’t know if its the betrayal or the onions in your hair but something is making me really emotional and kind of gassy.”

katie approved.

before she could reply odette blasted off.

“what’s that smell?” melissa with bangs asked.

“i mistook my jar of onions for my pillow again” she confessed.

“i guess i have to pretend to like it now, u know, since we’re fake dating” lissa smashed the subscribe button.

“that’s really sweet of you also why do you have bangs now katie asked?”

“i found your sticky note i mean diary on the mirror in our room 10 minutes ago. your handwriting is terrible and it took me at least an hour to decipher it but i read that you thought my glee era bangs were cheeto hot so i bit my hair off and ta da here we are.” melissa wiggled her coochie.

our protagonista had trouble paying attention. not because she was poor which she was, but because she was so deeply in love with the womab standing in front of her she couldn't think. she wasn’t sure when she got these feelings so she activated her help line and asked the audience. according to the popular vote the right answer was B. during the pee incident . she didnt win the toyota.

“cool do you want to make out now?” $0 asked

“not yet. no one is paying attention to us right now. they’re all whispering to each other. something about chris’ body not being in the open casket where it’s supposed to be. i doubt the guests will mind.” melissa smarted.

“katie wasnt sure she heard that right because a bee just flew into her ear but she smiled lovingly at the blonde anyway”

“stop flirting with me katie!!!’ god... save it for the papz” but she (melissa) secretly liked it ;)

\-----

apparently chris’ body being gone was a big deal and everyone was searching the beach house for where he might be hiding.

david was looking in the air shafts

jeremy was looking in floriana

and odette’s gas was somehow still keeping her in the air, where she was taking a handful of first class passengers to a destination wedding in aruba that no one wanted to go to.

 

katie was looking harder than all the guests combined. but that might be because she wasnt looking for pubebeard mcmale, but for something to snack on. she was starving but all the food was in the backyard, and chyler and blake said that no one was allowed near the scene of the crime until the body was found.

she realised she had never skipped her hourly raw ham sandwich and was afraid of the consequences. suddenly chris’s missing body was a priority.

so she did something she hasn’t done since lisa vanderwaal refused to accept her expired bath bath and beyonds gift card last tuesday.

she called the police.

\----

“Shalom” said the police, “this is triscia7 may i take your order”

“Proper nouns such as names should start with a capital letter” said katie

“My shallowest apologies. This is Trisicia&, may i take your order” bellowed and cried Triscia7

“I am katie mcgraw from jur-flatass-ic world and would like to order a policeperson to investigate a stolen body. This deadbeat couldnt manage to stay in his own coffin, and we already searched floriana everywhere, so we’re hopelessly lost. Achoo” katie said

“...” Triscia7 pondered. “k.”

Katie was relieved of this development and wiped away the sweat pooling at her toes. “Melissa must you stand so close to me my beloved darling angel while I am on the phone with the popo, you got sweat on and in my socks” katie sighed

“I just wanted to bring you a present” said melissa  
“I prefer the past” katie said  
“Kill yourslef emo. This isn’t fucking back to the future, this is real life” melissa said turning to the camera and threatening me the writer with a threatening hand movement. I am scared.

“Anyways here is your gift. I made it myself” melissa said, handing katie her sandwich.  
“Oh golly gosh this is perfect. Where did you get the ham?” katie inquired while chewing with her mouth opened. Melissa wished she would accidentally spit some of it into her mouth. 

“There was a body in the attic. I thought it looked enoguh like a pig. Licked it and it tasted like bacon grease” Melissa snarled, toothily grinning. Katie felt the need to brush her hair.

“Melissa, that was probably kris! Lets go!” 

2 hours later, and not a minute more, they got to the attic. Katie remembered that she called the police, and was concerned that they hadnt arrived yet. She decided to only tip 15%. 

But when they got to the attic, the body was gone! Shit! “God damnit!” katie shrieked, breaking the window in the attic.

“Keep my name out of your whore mouth” God said. 

Through the broken window rolled in a human in a police uniform. She tumbled around in the broken glass for awhile. Ouch -E.T. she sat up finally, after who knows how much time, with not a scratch on her. She was still ugly.

“Hello I am Triscia7 your police officer for today.” the police officer said. Her nametag said Barbara. Something was fishy. It was katie. sniffffffff mmhmm 

Melissa licked her lips. “Melissa get off of me you taste like bacon” said katie. She preferred the old melissa, pee sweat melissa, bangless melissa, hot cheetos melissa. Then she changed her mind. 

“Triscia7” toot “a dead body is missing. Please help us find it”

“Is it that corpse in the corner over there” Triscia7 pointed. But that was impossible, because the attic was round. Melissa immediately knew that the maid had done it. Justice at last.

“I need to go speak to chyler. Yes, the straight woman who is here. The one with a husband and children. That chyler. Dont get it twisted bitch” melissa said to the empty room. There she goes

“Chyler stop right there” melissa says to the heterosexual who is sitting at the table; 

“Hello” says david. He was outside. Jeremy slithers in, both of his legs gruesomely broken. He doesn’t make it completely in before being pulled out again by an unseen force. This was captured on tape. When paused, zoomed, and enhanced, the viewer can clearly see Floriana. Feeding time. $700 million grossed mr worldwide. 

“Wel wel well if it isnt blake genner’s ex partner. How goes it” pouts chyler

“I know what you did this summer” said melissa “your pictures from europe looked very nice. Get me in contact with your travel agent. Anyways, i know you have the body”  
“I gave it to my children that i had with my husband so they could have a new toy. Nobody else seemed to be using it. I am right.” said chyler, hair visibly growing out as she spoke.

“Radical. Do we still have to have the funeral” said melissa

Chyler said that she found another body in the attic and placed it in the casket so that the show must go on. Melissa went to go look. Calista stared back at her. Ok.

(calista, 1874-2018)

“My work here is done.” said Triscia7. She boarded Odette and left for the wedding. 

Melissa felt the ground shake. “Oh hi katie” she said without turning around. Katie came to stand next to her. 

“I called the paparazzi so that we could make out.” katie declared

From the waves of the sea popped up Triscia7 and Triscia7, both carrying cameras, waiting. One got bit by a shark, but natalie portman dived in with a boogieboard and saved her. They are still married to this day. The other made it to shore, but got devoured by the lawn mower. 

“Dumbass” melissa said before walking away. She wanted to go take a shower. But! She got to the bathroom and……..

……… katie was already in the shower! “Thats my dress” said melissa.  
“Finders keepers losers weepers” katie hissed before audibly cracking her neck. Melissa was overcome by lust and left the premises, using the ocean instead. The class cuts covering her body stung from the salt, but it stung less than katie’s rejection. What was she doing wrong! She was playing hard to get, which was usually desirable in the past. She called her mom to talk about it.

“Hello Ms. Benoist” her mom said.

“Please, ms. benoist is my mother. Call me melissa” said melissa.

“Ok fine hi melissa what is wrong my beautiful mistake” her mom said.

“I keep being mean to katie and she hasn’t fallen for me what is going on?” ejaculated melissa. I dont think that was the right word but i dont own a dictionary. 

“Here’s the thing. I dont care. Au revoir or whatever the germans say” said melissa’s mom, throwing melissa’s phone into the ocean. Melissa felt udderly alone. Except for floriana buried up to her neck in the sand beside her. Melissa knew what she had to do: cut and dye her hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! please leave us a comment and maybe some fan theories?? xxx until next time xoxoxo

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked this first chapter! leave kudos and comments it'll help inspire us to write


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